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Friday, October 12th, 2001
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| Time: | 9:27 pm. |
| Mood: | empty. |
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I don't even know why I am writing in this journal, but I feel like it may feel left out and I'm having one of those past problems. I don't care at all if no one reads this, actually this is just one of those entries I just want to write for me but I still probably won't even bother to block it only for me...i dont even know what im talking about.
Okay, so looking back on my life I can say that I have lost a lot more things than I've gained. Its like my stepdad....i had things so easy, the money, the clothes, the food, the big house...nothing bothered me except for love. He didn't love me and he didn't know how to and my mom's love was blinded my him..so it was a long time before i got outta there. But was it that bad? I don't even know....i mean sure, i cried everynight, i was mentally abused in every way, and I had no control over anything.....its all stil lthe same and knowing that makes me feel like shit. Its like if i couldve just stopped being a bitch and just faced the torture i wouldnt have all these money problems, and constantly be asking my mom for things she can't give me...
I really hate how materialistic i've come, i know to go to the clearance racks or get the good deals, and i know that some days i just cant get everything i want but nonetheless i still want it all...and that is so shallow. I hate seeing myself as shallow, cause i hate shallow people, but i guess that may be why i hate myself....
I dont know, i had things so easy but truthfully so hard if that makes sense..but it coulve gotten better....but now i will never know. And guys...oh guys..im gonna cry..all those pointless relationships ive had....all the ones that meant nothing to me and the ones i rushed into and god, just that ONE that i rushed out of and screwed up everything in my life....WHY, why did i have to do that? Why do i always do it? I swear im gonna fall in love one of these days, and screw up everything...
I hate knowing that...i really hate everything that my lifes become. My so called best friends piss me off now sometimes and vice versa and most dont even consider me a friend anymore i bet...like lauren, she hates me, or she doesnt care anymore about me. Its okay though, Lina doesnt either....friends i thought would be there till the end are just slowly but surely drifting further and further away from me....and life just keeps getting harder....more tiring...and more unbearable by the day.
I think things could be worse, everything could be worse in a way..cause until the absolute worst occurs things can keep getting worse than the one before...but i still cant help to look back on my life and feel so dissapointed. Sure, I have the future...i have so many dreams, and some people who believe in me and thats enough...but not right now...not when im in this mood, u know? Just not now...
I just know this...if there was one thing i regret the most in my life it is breaking up with HIM, the only guy i think i couldve ever love if i had just let myself. But then again, it could have been nothing, couldve ended up with shit, but I WILL NEVER KNOW, and that is not helping me in the slightest. I just wish i could take back the break up and just be with him again...
Just to feel happy again, just feel wanted, and thought about and loved...it may be pathetic, but i dont want fortune or fame or anything else, not if i could have true love. The kind where nothing else matters and you finally have a sense of completeness. I guess i know deep down happiness is near impossible or only a shortlived feeling..and i have had it but a lifetime of happiness, no, not in my life...but sense of completion...and feeling whole..thats the dream that keeps me walking each day...thats the wish that keeps me breathing every second..and thats the hope that keeps me from death....
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Wednesday, August 22nd, 2001
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"Do suppose there is such a place Toto? It's not a place you can get to by a boat or a plane...it's far far away, beyond the moon, beyond the rain.."
Somewhere over the rainbow...hmmm...
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| Time: | 11:37 pm. |
| Mood: |  aggravated. | | Music: | "Hold on to Me" -- Nina Gordon. |
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Just another day of awaiting the future with this boy...jeez why cant i just have a chrystal ball to tell me whats gonna happen and what the hell is going on in his head...i just dont get it! I dont understand why i have to keep waiting around, it is so annoying, self-degrading, and stupid....save my sanity now before it goes, POOF, and its gone!
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"Fate, there is fate! But it only takes you so far because once you're there, it takes you to make it happen."
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"You see the salt on this pretzel?"
-- "Yeah."
"Look at the stars! Now, some people, they say the stars are billions and billions of tons of HOT gas! But I think, maybe, it's just God's salt. And he's just waiting to eat us!"
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I made another username: myownenemy..add me to ur lists....
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Yah..right..just another perfect day. I am really tired right now..tired like i got no sleep and tired of my life. it is so boring, so dull. ughh...i like paul and i just don't think he likes me too. I wish he did, and i wish it was just so simple to just hang out with him one day but it doesnt seem to be that easy. Everything is so drawn out, so monotonous every single day..im going mad...literally. School's ending..yeah! but then...argh i have camp for 8 weeks!!! that is a lot of time away from my normal life... thats actually a good thing. Oh well, I have nothing to write...so im going to go get back to my boring existence.
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Melissa has fixed the computer! Yay....lol Jamie : "Theres not much time left!" ahhhhhh
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but you have to change ur experation date thing on ur computer b/c anyone can do....this is jamie and i'll try to fix it for u but there isn't much time left so i hope u do it!
bye
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Me: You know, nothing goes together anymore these days.
Angelica: Salt and Pepper do!
Me: Yes, but see, some people die from salt and pepper intake!
Angelica: ::laughing:: People don't die! Name one case of someone dying from salt and pepper.
Me: Well, me.
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| Time: | 5:00 pm. |
| Mood: |  nostalgic. | | Music: | "Now I can Die" -- Nina Gordon. |
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Life really is quite a mystery. People can make up all sorts of conclusions about it but in reality no one really knows the truth behind it. I mean y was humanity created? There is certainly an explanation for everything in this world but what is it?
John, in my english class, came up with a theory. A quite believeable one at that. He says that there's this kingdom where there is a ruler. Kind of like a king, or a president, except we call him God, and the kingdom, we call heaven. God has a nation, and within this nation are his people, the angels. They serve and protect him. But Like everything, God has an enemy nation. In this nation, there is another ruler, we call him Satan. His nation is full of lost souls, and cruelty. We call it hell. Now, since the beginning of time these two "nations" have been in war with one another and the world is supposed to end when one of them wins the war. Anyway, if you notice, in this world everyone is different. Some have really strong morals, and believe in doing the right thing, or good things. Others, believe in sabatage and horrible things. These are the people of both heaven and hell. And in this world, the war is still going on. So, if word gets around that being good is going to save the world, Heaven can win, and Hell will lose. The war would be over. What happens after that? I don't know.
So, this theory is somewhat the most interesting I have ever heard. It was very thought-provoking for me, and since no one can really explain the reasons behind this world, I know now I found a theory that could at least sound like the explination.
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Okay, so now, i am comparing my life to the spilling of a 7UP heh heh. Yesterday, I must of poured a new glass of cherry 7up and spilt it about a million times! Its like my life. Making the same mistakes, over and over and over again. Never learn! So yeah, thats my new comparison. Actually makes sense huh? Soo, my life has been all over the place lately. Bad days, good days, bad moments, good moments...all over the place. I am really hating the way i look, i dont know why. people say im fine, or okay, or cute, or pretty, whatever, but i dont see that. I guess its in the eye of the beholder but me as the beholder is quite depressing. (sorry jamie for my use of words! heh) Anyso, i bet no one reads my entries. they are so dumb. SORRY I AM NOT INTERESTING! I wish I had someone, really had someone to share my uninterestingness with...hm..like a guy! But i sound desparate, ridiculously lonely, and it sucks cuz i know that i don't even NEED a guy, just want one i guess. This makes me feel even worse...its like why cant i have someone? Am i that revolting, that hideous? And...there it goes...the questions taking over my thought-process.
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I see now,
I reject what I cry out for.
I see how,
What I have makes me want more.
It's probably not right,
to live this way.
Not sleeping at night,
dying each day.
I could take my thoughts,
and analyze them some more,
throw them all in a box,
to conclude: I reject what I cry out for.
So whats the point?
I guess,
To try and figure out,
To hurt less.
Amongst the confusion,
I think there is no hope.
Nothing could save me now,
except for myself,
the exact thing that brought me here in the first place.
Cause it's all my fault.
This is a result of my neglect of instinct.
My failure to trust my gut.
So here I am, just another slut.
I could convince myself,
everyone makes mistakes.
But nobody but me makes them over and over again.
I say I need love,
but when I have it,
I want more.
I reject what I cry out for.
My mind is a closed door.
An exhibit to those only willing to see.
I reject what I cry out for,
nothing satisfies me.
And I hate living this way,
having only regrettable things to say,
and dying each day.
And amongst the doubts,
I think there might be hope.
Maybe I can save me somehow.
So, I took a wrong turn
on this bumpy road of life.
I take for granted what I earn,
I create my own strife.
It sucks to live this way.
Only fake smiles to show,
and dying each day.
Maybe someone could help me out,
someday.
Maybe I can help me in some sort of way.
But amongst the confusion,
I create only one conclusion.
My mind is a closed door.
An exhibit open to those who are willing to see,
willing to see me.
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I am feeling much better now than i did yesterday. It seems the very thing I dreaded was the only medicine. School sucks big time when the teachers are talking but when im surrounded with friends that care, and make me laugh, that is the best...I hate being in that pitiful state where I come off as this cry for attention, but really aren't we all? I mean neglect can do very strange things to a person...but so can life in general i guess. I'm just glad i am not crying about how dull life is anymore, but rather smiling about how fun life can be.
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I have this incredibly horrible feeling inside of me. Its like ordinary life is getting to me or something. I can't stop crying, yelling, and just feeling depressed. Everything is good, or fine but i don't feel that way. Everyone has something to do today, a family to do it with, and here i am online once again with no one to talk to and my mom sleeping on the couch. I feel pointless and really worthless. My life is so stupid, and tomorrow is just another day going to school. I hate that so much. Its like this weekend was so stupid...and now i just have to go back to school with nothing gained. Its the same everyday, and I just hate it so much. Theres all this anger and depression, or something building up inside of me and i cant stand it. I cant stand my life, everyday boring life. Everythings the same. Nothing changes, and if it does its meaningless stuff. Never anything exciting, something to look forward to. I never have someone to talk to, to help me. There's nothing but an empty refrigerator and a dreaded next day.
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....I could have sworn that in the mall yesterday this guy sitting in Barnes and Noble was giving this speech to his friend on how he was a player in the world of chess. It confused me but it kind of made sense. PAWNS, get it? It's like we choose pawns(ways)to get ahead. Always trying to win, and which ever way is easiest or more skillful is the way we'll go...just like in chess. Of course, I am probably talking out of my butt considering I have always avoided the game cause I suck at it, and know barely anything about it. Still, the guy made sense, somewhat, in my uneducated chess mind.
At Sam Goody, these two guys working there were arguing about Jon Bon Jovi while Angelica was trying to buy a "Music Machine" kiddy, $1.57 worth, "I love Jesus" type CD...hahaha...and the guy suddenly stopped and said to us "What the hell is this?" Of course we start dying of laughter and i said "well, we don't know...but the sloop song is on it!" It was so amusing!
What is a sloop? Sloop is you favorite thing...hah i swear that cd is like the brainwash of a lifetime...
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I sincerely have no idea what is on my mind right now. Its like weird...i am sitting here wondering what to type. So, I type about my wondering..heh. There is a song called, "Like, Wow"...yeah,hm.. I think lyrics these days have such meaning to them. My opinion can be described with the song, "Like, wow." This world amazes me. Sean, who invented words? But specifically who invented the word wow? WOW, do i have too much time on my hands to think about absolutely pointless things! My final thought: Like, WOW!
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My mom was on the phone before, and even this 38 year old woman is gossiping and talking about other people. I swear, I think each and every person gossips. We may not notice it though. Like, we will be telling someone a story of something that happened to us, but we exaggerate, create parts, or how do i say overemphasize the story. Its the same thing with gossip. We like talk about a person, good or bad, and we say our opinions, and/or memories. These are both vague things....a lot of people won't know a person yet have the right to say they are a bitch? It makes no sense. Memories, well we remember parts of them, but not the full picture so things are left for the listener to think about. Who knows what this leads to. We are such assuming people. Always jumping to conclusions, thinking what we want and then telling one of our friends about it. And my god, does word get around. I was practically sexually assaulted by a guy last year in the bathroom, and the next day people were saying i gave him head!? Where do we get these things from. Its like that game telephone...one thing is said but a whole different saying is the end result. We are such complex human beings, all of us. Each person is different, yet so alike when it comes to complexity. Well my final opinion is that really, gossip is inevitable. People should just watch what they say more often, and who they say it to because no one in this world is trustworthy but you with yourself...and hey, sometimes thats not even true...so sad.
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Love or Infatuation?
Infatuation is instant desire. It is one set of glands calling to another. Love is friendship that has caught fire. It takes root and grows--one day at a time.
Infatuation is marked by a feeling of insecurity. You are excited and eager but not genuinely happy. There are nagging doubts, unanswered questions,little bits and pieces about your beloved that you would just as soon not examine too closely. It might spoil the dream.
Love is quiet understanding and the matture acceptance of imperfection. It is real. It gives you strength and grows beyond you--to bolster your beloved. You are warmed by his presence, even when he is away. Miles do not separate you. You want him nearer. But near or far, you know he is yours and you can wait.
Infatuation says "We must get married right away. I can't risk losing him." Love says, "Be paitent. Don't panic. Plan your future with confidence."
Infatuation has an element of sexual excitement. If you are honest, you will admit it is difficult to be in one another's company unless you are sure it will end in intimacy. Love is the maturation of friendship. You must be friends before you can be lovers.
Infatuation lacks confidence. When he's away, you wonder if he's cheating. Love means trust. You are calm, secure, and unthreatened. He feels that trust and it makes him even more trustworthy.
Infatuation might lead you to do things you'll regret later, but love never will.
Love is an upper. It makes you look up. It makes you think up. It makes you a better person than you were before.
My comments:
Referring to that last part, love makes you a better person, when infatuation just screws you up and affects your emotions. Love improves them.
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*Masks*
Don't be fooled by me.
Don't be fooled by the face I wear,
For I wear a mask. I wear a thousand masks,
Masks that I'm afraid to take off,
And none of them are me.
Pretending is an art that is second nature to me.
But, don't be fooled.
I give you the impression that I am secure,
That all is sunny and unruffled with me.
Within as well as without.
That confidence is my name and coolness is my game.
That the water's calm and I'm in command,
And that I need no one.
But don't believe me, Please.
My surface may be smooth, but my surface is my mask,
My veyr and every concealing mask.
Beneath it dwells the real me,
In confusion and fear,
In loneliness.
But I hide this.
I don't want anybody to know this.
I panic at the thoughts of my weakness and the fear of being exposed,
That's why I frantically creat a mask to hide behind.
A nonchalant, sophisticated facade,
To help me pretend,
To shield me from the glance that knows.
But, such a glance is precisely my salvation,
My only slavation.
And I know it, that is if it is followed by acceptance,
If it is followed by love,
It is the only thing that can liberate me,
From myself,
From my self-built prison walls,
From the barriers that I so painstakingly erect.
It is the only thing that will assure me of what I can't assure myself,
That I'm really worth something.
But I don't tell you this.
I don't dare.
I'm afraid to.
I'm afraid that your glance will not be followed by acceptance.
I'm afraid that your glance will not be followed by love.
I'm afraid that you will think less of me,
That you'll laugh,
And your laugh will kill me.
I'm afraid down deep that I'm nothing, that I'm just no good,
And that you will see this and reject me.
So I play my game,
With the facade of assurance without,
And a trembling child within.
And so begins the parade of masks, the glittering but empty parade of masks.
I idly chatter to you in the swave tones of surface talk.
I tell you everything that is really nothing,
And nothing that is really everything,
Of what is crying within me.
So when I'm going through my routine,
Do not be fooled by what I'm saying.
Please listen carefully, and
Try to hear what I'm not saying,
And what I'd like to be able to say.
What for survival, I need to say,
But what I cannot say.
Honestly, I dislike the superficial game I'm playing,
the superficial, phony game.
I'd really like to be genuine and spontaneous,
And me,
But you've got to hold out your hand,
Even when that is the last thing I seem to want, or need.
Only you can wipe away from my eyes that blank stare
Of the breathing dead.
Only you can call me into aliveness.
Each time you're kind, gentle, and encouraging,
Each time you're soft and understand because you really care,
My heart begins to grow wings,
Very small wings,
But wings.
With your sympathy and sensitivity, and your power of understanding,
You can breathe life into me.
I want you to know that.
I want you to know how important you are to me,
How you can be the creator of the person that is me,
If you choose to.
Please choose to.
You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble.
You alone can remove my mask.
You alone can release me from my show world of panic and uncertainty,
Drom my lonely prison.
So don't pass me by.
It will not be easy for you.
A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls.
The nearer you approach to me, the blinder I may strike back.
It's irrational, but despite what the book says about me,
I'm irrational, I fight against the very thing I cry out for,
But I am told that love is stronger than strong walls.
In this lies my hope,
My only hope.
Please try to beat down those walls with firm but gentle hands,
For a child is very sensitive.
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rubyslippers430's journal
amused.
crappy.
giggly.
quixotic.
calm.
energetic.
thoughtful.